今天，在没有预料到的情况下，偶遇了这些话
“人走了，你不能刻意为了怕自己难过然后就故意避开。
你应该要时时刻刻逼自己去想念他，看他。
这样他在天堂才会觉得我们没有忘记他”
我也是这样想的
其实这就是我每天必经的挣扎
我总觉得每次想念你，你在那里都会收到讯息或感应
所以如果一天没看你或者想得不够
你如果没收到感应，应该会难过吧
可是又觉得你都在最完美最无忧无虑的地方了
应该不会为这种事烦心了吧
你是快乐的天使了呀。
Monday, September 3, 2012
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
the universe works in a strange way.
they say time heals wounds, i would like to think time allows wounds to settle. smells that are left behind diffuse over time. one day, you miss the smell, you look for it and you realise it has faded. your mind builds new images, new memories, not replacing the old ones, but slowing pushing the older ones to another space at the back, without you noticing. they are there, but they do not surface so easily, but you know they are always there. it is not so apparent yet, but i do slowly notice that sad moments leave, and more happy moments stay and surface. on days when i can breath better, i can actually manage a smile when i think of you. i like that because i imgaine you will like that. on cloudy days, i wonder if you can actually read my mind, because i am so afraid if you cannot, it may seem to you i am mangaing life fine without you. and then i feel bad for trying to maintain that smile. days are all like that, sometimes the sun shines, sometimes comes a sudden downpour, some days are just more grey and others more peaceful. but i do think the peaceful ones are on the up. on nights where i refuse to close my eyes, i browse through the photos and the messages. they remind me of how constantly you asked me to be happy, told me you asked GOD to give me the most beautiful things, and that i am an angel. it is like you knew and had all these reminders planted all around me, to tell me what you wanted for me is not what i am becoming now, fighting with people, fighting for things, but not knowing what i am fighting for. i am evil. but you always find a way to come back and tell me i am meant to be happy and kind, because i guess you know, even if i do not do it for myself, i will do it for you. i try everyday. 你看见吗?
they say time heals wounds, i would like to think time allows wounds to settle. smells that are left behind diffuse over time. one day, you miss the smell, you look for it and you realise it has faded. your mind builds new images, new memories, not replacing the old ones, but slowing pushing the older ones to another space at the back, without you noticing. they are there, but they do not surface so easily, but you know they are always there. it is not so apparent yet, but i do slowly notice that sad moments leave, and more happy moments stay and surface. on days when i can breath better, i can actually manage a smile when i think of you. i like that because i imgaine you will like that. on cloudy days, i wonder if you can actually read my mind, because i am so afraid if you cannot, it may seem to you i am mangaing life fine without you. and then i feel bad for trying to maintain that smile. days are all like that, sometimes the sun shines, sometimes comes a sudden downpour, some days are just more grey and others more peaceful. but i do think the peaceful ones are on the up. on nights where i refuse to close my eyes, i browse through the photos and the messages. they remind me of how constantly you asked me to be happy, told me you asked GOD to give me the most beautiful things, and that i am an angel. it is like you knew and had all these reminders planted all around me, to tell me what you wanted for me is not what i am becoming now, fighting with people, fighting for things, but not knowing what i am fighting for. i am evil. but you always find a way to come back and tell me i am meant to be happy and kind, because i guess you know, even if i do not do it for myself, i will do it for you. i try everyday. 你看见吗?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
i hate to hear "i can understand how you feel". yes hate.
and no, you DO NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
just like how i do not understand you and why you did this and that. but at least i do not lie in your face and pretend to understand.
again, you do not understand and will never understand.
so back off and stop acting like a know-it-all and solve-it-all and please treat me like an individual.
bye.
and no, you DO NOT UNDERSTAND AT ALL.
just like how i do not understand you and why you did this and that. but at least i do not lie in your face and pretend to understand.
again, you do not understand and will never understand.
so back off and stop acting like a know-it-all and solve-it-all and please treat me like an individual.
bye.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Day 117
hello sweetheart baby.
you are at the back of my head all the time, lurking around.
take as long as you like, as much as you want.
it is all for you and you only.
i lost track of time and dates.
i lost track of day and night.
i lost track of emotions.
but it is all okay.
let's take as long as we like.
this is one thing that is up to us.
big hugs and kisses.
love.
you are at the back of my head all the time, lurking around.
take as long as you like, as much as you want.
it is all for you and you only.
i lost track of time and dates.
i lost track of day and night.
i lost track of emotions.
but it is all okay.
let's take as long as we like.
this is one thing that is up to us.
big hugs and kisses.
love.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
i love work
there are days when work really gets me down.
i ask what do all the people want from me.
there are more days when i feel my love for my work.
when you are loving it, then it is not work anymore.
i always remember to count my blessings for what i am being paid to do now. and for people at work who also take me as their friend.
some entries back i said i hate the fruit.
i take it back now officially (:
i ask what do all the people want from me.
there are more days when i feel my love for my work.
when you are loving it, then it is not work anymore.
i always remember to count my blessings for what i am being paid to do now. and for people at work who also take me as their friend.
some entries back i said i hate the fruit.
i take it back now officially (:
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
day 87
dearest sweetheart,
how many days have it been already? the days seem to go by quickly, but yet very slowly when i think about the days i tried to get by. there seems to be nothing left to say, although i sometimes feel i have not let anything out yet. macdonalds at east coast is gone. for good. i remember the last time we were there. i remember us taking a walk along the beach. i remember our feet sinking into the warmth of the sand. i remember you facing the sun and me shunning it. perfect when you hugged me and hid my face in your shoulders, away from the sun. i remember picking up a casuarina and bringing it home, as if knowing it was something worth keeping to remember the last trip. it is still with me. i remember the green tea in a plastic cup we left behind in the sand. i remember your face staying tanned the few days after, and that you said you miss the sun and liked the tan. that was our last time soaking in sunlight together. that was also the last breakfast we had out of home. i also took a picture of the morning sun on the drive there. it was a beautiful day.
isn´t it strange that sunrise can also look like sunset? maybe that is just like in life, you think you embarked on a new journey but then it can also be an end, vice versa.
the sky is so vast, i wonder where you are now.
i miss you every day. help.
how many days have it been already? the days seem to go by quickly, but yet very slowly when i think about the days i tried to get by. there seems to be nothing left to say, although i sometimes feel i have not let anything out yet. macdonalds at east coast is gone. for good. i remember the last time we were there. i remember us taking a walk along the beach. i remember our feet sinking into the warmth of the sand. i remember you facing the sun and me shunning it. perfect when you hugged me and hid my face in your shoulders, away from the sun. i remember picking up a casuarina and bringing it home, as if knowing it was something worth keeping to remember the last trip. it is still with me. i remember the green tea in a plastic cup we left behind in the sand. i remember your face staying tanned the few days after, and that you said you miss the sun and liked the tan. that was our last time soaking in sunlight together. that was also the last breakfast we had out of home. i also took a picture of the morning sun on the drive there. it was a beautiful day.
isn´t it strange that sunrise can also look like sunset? maybe that is just like in life, you think you embarked on a new journey but then it can also be an end, vice versa.
the sky is so vast, i wonder where you are now.
i miss you every day. help.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
day 49
sunday afternoon tea for one
soaking in all the emotions which i don't exactly know
or maybe there are just none
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
a song
a song i heard today. for you.
人分別 心跟隨 我擁抱這份緣的深淺
回首看見生命的不完美 對你的感謝未曾停歇
你那裡需不需要有人陪 你收不收得到我的思念
想要跟你飛 不免擱再找 陪在你身邊 我什麼都不缺
你那裡有沒有人能聊天 我想要愛你疼你像從前
想要跟你飛 天涯海角多遠我都不累
牽你的手 歲歲年年時間是愛的延長線
我有沒有在你的夢裡面 我心裡空虛看不看得見
想要跟你飛 想要抱甲緊緊聽你講話
親像過去無改變 親像過去 無改變
人分別 心跟隨 我擁抱這份緣的深淺
回首看見生命的不完美 對你的感謝未曾停歇
你那裡需不需要有人陪 你收不收得到我的思念
想要跟你飛 不免擱再找 陪在你身邊 我什麼都不缺
你那裡有沒有人能聊天 我想要愛你疼你像從前
想要跟你飛 天涯海角多遠我都不累
牽你的手 歲歲年年時間是愛的延長線
我有沒有在你的夢裡面 我心裡空虛看不看得見
想要跟你飛 想要抱甲緊緊聽你講話
親像過去無改變 親像過去 無改變
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
day 44
Monday, February 13, 2012
shan's dreams
more about dreams. from shan: the first one you were in a big beautiful house which was all white. you sat in the garden having tea with shan, she blabbered on and you listened. you were in that green checkered shirt with the brown slight wavy hair. the sky was not so clear, but the weather was perfect. the second one she dreamt of the universe, and you were "staying" in a star. my favourite one so far as it is as you said to me before: look up in the sky, find the brightest star and that is you watching over me. it made me tear. you never ever lie to me, i know.
there, these are the kind of dream stories worth telling and keeping.
there, these are the kind of dream stories worth telling and keeping.
day 43
sweetheart,
the days are getting busier, but defintely not better.
i dont't know what is up, but it does not seem to get easier with time (like what they all say).
sometimes i think that if i keep doing things you disapprove of, maybe you will somehow find a way back and tell me off.
i am still waiting.
i start to take loneliness as a friend. he/she comes beside me and we keep each other company, but not talking to each other all the time. i don't think it is good or bad, but i just learn to live with him/her. i think i lose a bit of something each day, but i don't know what. i just feel emptier.
i have so many things to say, but i don't know how to say them.
are you still listening?
YYY
the days are getting busier, but defintely not better.
i dont't know what is up, but it does not seem to get easier with time (like what they all say).
sometimes i think that if i keep doing things you disapprove of, maybe you will somehow find a way back and tell me off.
i am still waiting.
i start to take loneliness as a friend. he/she comes beside me and we keep each other company, but not talking to each other all the time. i don't think it is good or bad, but i just learn to live with him/her. i think i lose a bit of something each day, but i don't know what. i just feel emptier.
i have so many things to say, but i don't know how to say them.
are you still listening?
YYY
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
why work
these days, i click on my outlook with much dread.
and it all snowballs. sometimes i ask myself, why work?
what is there at the end of the day after work?
let the shops look like shit why do i care?
and it all snowballs. sometimes i ask myself, why work?
what is there at the end of the day after work?
let the shops look like shit why do i care?
day 39
sweetheart, i am breaking all your rules.
i am sorry, but you know i am just the messed up me.
on a seperate note,
realized i have the perfect song in my ipod all along.
屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
因为我知道 你喜欢 你向往自由
因为我知道 你不舍离开我
看日落的斜阳 就想到你
有没有看见 我的努力
别担心我会 好好的照顾自己
别担心我会 永永远远的想着你
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧
屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
看日落的斜阳 就想到你
有没有收到 我思念的心
a piece of sky we shared on 20th June.
before i went to buy us ice cream and you secretly called the florist.
i am really missing you.
i am sorry, but you know i am just the messed up me.
on a seperate note,
realized i have the perfect song in my ipod all along.
屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
因为我知道 你喜欢 你向往自由
因为我知道 你不舍离开我
看日落的斜阳 就想到你
有没有看见 我的努力
别担心我会 好好的照顾自己
别担心我会 永永远远的想着你
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧
屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
看日落的斜阳 就想到你
有没有收到 我思念的心
a piece of sky we shared on 20th June.
before i went to buy us ice cream and you secretly called the florist.
i am really missing you.
...
i am really tired now.
not like at 1.17am now, but like at this point in my life now.
i sometimes feel like i am using all the strength in me to keep my eyelids open in the day or to move one step forward.
but then i refuse to sleep at night. like refuse.
and i keep waking throughout the night.
sucks.
work sucks too now.
temporarily taking back my declaration that i love my job and i will do it all my life. sorry fruit.
but you are so sour this season i hate you.
not like at 1.17am now, but like at this point in my life now.
i sometimes feel like i am using all the strength in me to keep my eyelids open in the day or to move one step forward.
but then i refuse to sleep at night. like refuse.
and i keep waking throughout the night.
sucks.
work sucks too now.
temporarily taking back my declaration that i love my job and i will do it all my life. sorry fruit.
but you are so sour this season i hate you.
day 38
hey sweetheart,
i am unwell. alright i asked for it. late nights and bad diet.
i remember how you always got genuinely angry with me when you think i took bad care of myself. sweet.
i miss you.
being sick makes people feel extra self sympathetic.
miss you miss you miss you
at my darkest moments, i think about how nice it will be to join you. nice place, nice weather, nice house, rainbows and angels.
but thoughts will only be thoughts.
i am unwell. alright i asked for it. late nights and bad diet.
i remember how you always got genuinely angry with me when you think i took bad care of myself. sweet.
i miss you.
being sick makes people feel extra self sympathetic.
miss you miss you miss you
at my darkest moments, i think about how nice it will be to join you. nice place, nice weather, nice house, rainbows and angels.
but thoughts will only be thoughts.
Sunday, February 5, 2012
most beautiful sunset
sweetheart, today i looked through your albums and i teared and i smiled. you are such a happy man, and that made me tear and smile. you are everyone's best friend, an absolute poser and vainpot, sometimes a fashion disaster and one big gummy bear (:
you are so full of love and life.
i miss you so much baby.
maybe this is the message you wanted me to have.
that you are a happy man.
you are so full of love and life.
i miss you so much baby.
maybe this is the message you wanted me to have.
that you are a happy man.
day 37
hello sweetest heart,
i feel like i have so much to say to you, but then sometimes i think that they are better left unspoken, in the heart.
people ask me "how are you?" i can't really answer because my feelings are beyond words, what we shared is beyond words.
my loss is beyond words.
about dreams.
the first proper one i had, you came back to have a duel with someone and i asked you why do you have to do this, and you told me although you are very sick but you must still do good for the world and not give up. then i hugged you real tight and told you that you are so great!
the second one last night, i was in your arms and again asked why are you back and you said you have never given up and will keep trying. you asked me how have i been all this time. it was very real.
today i went for service and i could feel you with me. maybe i felt you, maybe i just remembered how it was like with you beside me. anyway, it was a really good service.
i slowly start to see more and more
good things you left for me.
the best thing, of course is the part of you in me.
now look! so many of your stuff!
i love you baby.
i feel like i have so much to say to you, but then sometimes i think that they are better left unspoken, in the heart.
people ask me "how are you?" i can't really answer because my feelings are beyond words, what we shared is beyond words.
my loss is beyond words.
about dreams.
the first proper one i had, you came back to have a duel with someone and i asked you why do you have to do this, and you told me although you are very sick but you must still do good for the world and not give up. then i hugged you real tight and told you that you are so great!
the second one last night, i was in your arms and again asked why are you back and you said you have never given up and will keep trying. you asked me how have i been all this time. it was very real.
today i went for service and i could feel you with me. maybe i felt you, maybe i just remembered how it was like with you beside me. anyway, it was a really good service.
i slowly start to see more and more
good things you left for me.
the best thing, of course is the part of you in me.
now look! so many of your stuff!
i love you baby.
Friday, February 3, 2012
day 34
sweetheart baby,
look! you have a share too you know that?
i saw the birthday reminder you set.
yes, i love to ransack your phone still.
these late nights i have, you must be shaking your head vigourously in disapproval. come nag at me?
love love, hugs and kisses
you stay there snugly in my heart ok.
i will keep it as warm as i can for you.
look! you have a share too you know that?
i saw the birthday reminder you set.
yes, i love to ransack your phone still.
these late nights i have, you must be shaking your head vigourously in disapproval. come nag at me?
love love, hugs and kisses
you stay there snugly in my heart ok.
i will keep it as warm as i can for you.
Thursday, February 2, 2012
...
remembering how you would remind me to turn the lights on before i take late afternoon naps, knowing that it saddens me to wake up in darkness.
you always remember more things about me than i do myself.
you always remember more things about me than i do myself.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
day 31
You must have seen my outburst.
you must have said: 傻瓜，哭什么
found my favourite gospel today
the one i always repeated in the car
we must have sold the car with the cd in the player
it sounds just the same, maybe a little lonelier
did as you told, made a trip to edwin's
practising taking good care of myself
you see, now i have to do your job. tsk.
goodnight sweetheart.
love times infinity.
you must have said: 傻瓜，哭什么
found my favourite gospel today
the one i always repeated in the car
we must have sold the car with the cd in the player
it sounds just the same, maybe a little lonelier
did as you told, made a trip to edwin's
practising taking good care of myself
you see, now i have to do your job. tsk.
goodnight sweetheart.
love times infinity.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
day 24
hi sweetest heart ever, i survived the new year holidays.
had good talks with good company and it felt good.
i thought of you a lot at daf's place and more at fernvale.
i can imagine you doing this and that and saying this and that
and so i drift and i float and i return and it all breaks my heart
if only you stayed for one more week, or one more month, or...
so many what-if´s
today, i remembered how we lazed on the sofa one evening and i had my feet on your laps. you told me some sweet stuff and i laughed it off, and later at night, you said to me: baby that(on the sofa) was so romantic right?
and it killed me.
and now choya is ctaching up on me.
goodnight sweetheart. wish you were here.
your gaze...it kills me too.
had good talks with good company and it felt good.
i thought of you a lot at daf's place and more at fernvale.
i can imagine you doing this and that and saying this and that
and so i drift and i float and i return and it all breaks my heart
if only you stayed for one more week, or one more month, or...
so many what-if´s
today, i remembered how we lazed on the sofa one evening and i had my feet on your laps. you told me some sweet stuff and i laughed it off, and later at night, you said to me: baby that(on the sofa) was so romantic right?
and it killed me.
and now choya is ctaching up on me.
goodnight sweetheart. wish you were here.
your gaze...it kills me too.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
day 23
all i ask for, is to remember you and miss you the way i want to
i don't know if it is the rightest or best way
but it is my own way
and it is all that i can handle now
their crap makes me doubt my beliefs and makes me weak
maybe i chose the easy way to believe you are all good now
but this is the way you taught me
please ask them to stop forcing me
miss you very much baby
i hate festives and all special occasions
i don't know if it is the rightest or best way
but it is my own way
and it is all that i can handle now
their crap makes me doubt my beliefs and makes me weak
maybe i chose the easy way to believe you are all good now
but this is the way you taught me
please ask them to stop forcing me
miss you very much baby
i hate festives and all special occasions
Saturday, January 21, 2012
day 22
life is as such
sometimes you tell some lies to others
other times, you tell some lies to yourself
and that is how we all get by
sometimes you tell some lies to others
other times, you tell some lies to yourself
and that is how we all get by
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
day 17
hey sweetheart, i am back.
you are everywhere, you know that?
and i am missing you beyond words.
you are everywhere, you know that?
and i am missing you beyond words.
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
day 10
hello baby.
it's been really cold these 2 days.
miss your warm hands very very very much.
always looking forward to come home to a room smelling of you.
it's been really cold these 2 days.
miss your warm hands very very very much.
always looking forward to come home to a room smelling of you.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
if only
keep thinking that i could have given a lot more hugs and kisses and said a lot more i-love-you´s.
you would have if we switched roles, i am sure.
you would have if we switched roles, i am sure.
day 9
memories can eat people up completely.
you are so right, i am going to get myself buried in all the what-if´s and used-to´s
you know me best
you are so right, i am going to get myself buried in all the what-if´s and used-to´s
you know me best
day 8
sweetheart, and now i am rather confused.
need to talk pls. many questions to ask you.
let's talk as soon as you can ok.
i have the whole room smelling like you now.
love.
need to talk pls. many questions to ask you.
let's talk as soon as you can ok.
i have the whole room smelling like you now.
love.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
day 4
these days, i have thoughts suddenly coming into my head and i think they are from you. they sound like you.
one of the nights when you woke up once i got there, you said that was because part of your body was mine and so it listened to me.
you once said to me: you know i love to bring you with me everywhere i go, but not this time baby.
not true.
you have brought with you a part of me, and also left me a part of you.
whatever it is, sweetheart,
i will see you soon ok.
one of the nights when you woke up once i got there, you said that was because part of your body was mine and so it listened to me.
you once said to me: you know i love to bring you with me everywhere i go, but not this time baby.
not true.
you have brought with you a part of me, and also left me a part of you.
whatever it is, sweetheart,
i will see you soon ok.
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