day 49

sunday afternoon tea for one
soaking in all the emotions which i don't exactly know
or maybe there are just none

a song

a song i heard today. for you.

人分別 心跟隨　我擁抱這份緣的深淺
回首看見生命的不完美　對你的感謝未曾停歇

你那裡需不需要有人陪　你收不收得到我的思念
想要跟你飛　不免擱再找 陪在你身邊 我什麼都不缺

你那裡有沒有人能聊天　我想要愛你疼你像從前
想要跟你飛 天涯海角多遠我都不累　
牽你的手　歲歲年年時間是愛的延長線　

我有沒有在你的夢裡面　我心裡空虛看不看得見
想要跟你飛　想要抱甲緊緊聽你講話
親像過去無改變　親像過去 無改變

day 44

hello sweetheart baby,

happy valentine's day!
not like it was anything big for us, but still.
last year i was upset because we did nothing
this year, how do i get upset with you?



people in love should keep holding hands
i miss you baby

shan's dreams

more about dreams. from shan: the first one you were in a big beautiful house which was all white. you sat in the garden having tea with shan, she blabbered on and you listened. you were in that green checkered shirt with the brown slight wavy hair. the sky was not so clear, but the weather was perfect. the second one she dreamt of the universe, and you were "staying" in a star. my favourite one so far as it is as you said to me before: look up in the sky, find the brightest star and that is you watching over me. it made me tear. you never ever lie to me, i know.

there, these are the kind of dream stories worth telling and keeping.

day 43

sweetheart,

the days are getting busier, but defintely not better.
i dont't know what is up, but it does not seem to get easier with time (like what they all say).

sometimes i think that if i keep doing things you disapprove of, maybe you will somehow find a way back and tell me off.
i am still waiting.

i start to take loneliness as a friend. he/she comes beside me and we keep each other company, but not talking to each other all the time. i don't think it is good or bad, but i just learn to live with him/her. i think i lose a bit of something each day, but i don't know what. i just feel emptier.

i have so many things to say, but i don't know how to say them.

are you still listening?

YYY

why work

these days, i click on my outlook with much dread.
and it all snowballs. sometimes i ask myself, why work?
what is there at the end of the day after work?
let the shops look like shit why do i care?

day 39

sweetheart, i am breaking all your rules.
i am sorry, but you know i am just the messed up me.

on a seperate note,
realized i have the perfect song in my ipod all along.

屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
因为我知道 你喜欢 你向往自由
因为我知道 你不舍离开我

看日落的斜阳 就想到你
有没有看见 我的努力
别担心我会 好好的照顾自己
别担心我会 永永远远的想着你
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧
别为我担心 为我担心 放心的飞吧

屋顶上的小鸟 是不是你
天上飞的白云 一定是你
看日落的斜阳 就想到你　
有没有收到 我思念的心



a piece of sky we shared on 20th June.
before i went to buy us ice cream and you secretly called the florist.

i am really missing you.

...

i am really tired now.
not like at 1.17am now, but like at this point in my life now.
i sometimes feel like i am using all the strength in me to keep my eyelids open in the day or to move one step forward.
but then i refuse to sleep at night. like refuse.
and i keep waking throughout the night.
sucks.

work sucks too now.
temporarily taking back my declaration that i love my job and i will do it all my life. sorry fruit.
but you are so sour this season i hate you.

day 38

hey sweetheart,

i am unwell. alright i asked for it. late nights and bad diet.
i remember how you always got genuinely angry with me when you think i took bad care of myself. sweet.

i miss you.
being sick makes people feel extra self sympathetic.

miss you miss you miss you

at my darkest moments, i think about how nice it will be to join you. nice place, nice weather, nice house, rainbows and angels.

but thoughts will only be thoughts.

most beautiful sunset

sweetheart, today i looked through your albums and i teared and i smiled. you are such a happy man, and that made me tear and smile. you are everyone's best friend, an absolute poser and vainpot, sometimes a fashion disaster and one big gummy bear (:

you are so full of love and life.
i miss you so much baby.

maybe this is the message you wanted me to have.
that you are a happy man.

day 37

hello sweetest heart,

i feel like i have so much to say to you, but then sometimes i think that they are better left unspoken, in the heart.

people ask me "how are you?" i can't really answer because my feelings are beyond words, what we shared is beyond words.
my loss is beyond words.

about dreams.
the first proper one i had, you came back to have a duel with someone and i asked you why do you have to do this, and you told me although you are very sick but you must still do good for the world and not give up. then i hugged you real tight and told you that you are so great!

the second one last night, i was in your arms and again asked why are you back and you said you have never given up and will keep trying. you asked me how have i been all this time. it was very real.

today i went for service and i could feel you with me. maybe i felt you, maybe i just remembered how it was like with you beside me. anyway, it was a really good service.

i slowly start to see more and more
good things you left for me.
the best thing, of course is the part of you in me.



now look! so many of your stuff!

i love you baby.

day 34

sweetheart baby,
look! you have a share too you know that?
i saw the birthday reminder you set.
yes, i love to ransack your phone still.



these late nights i have, you must be shaking your head vigourously in disapproval. come nag at me?

love love, hugs and kisses
you stay there snugly in my heart ok.
i will keep it as warm as i can for you.

loce

from a lovely thai friend who can't spell "love"

...

remembering how you would remind me to turn the lights on before i take late afternoon naps, knowing that it saddens me to wake up in darkness.

you always remember more things about me than i do myself.

day 33

"给我一双手对你倚赖
给我一双眼看你离开
就像蝴蝶飞不过沧海
没有谁忍心责怪

给我一刹那对你宠爱
给我一辈子送你离开
等不到天亮美梦就醒来
。。。 。。。"

what a good fit.